Bereavement & Recovery

Written by a member of the team in Middlesbrough.

Throughout my 20 years of heavy drinking, I was unsure why I was that way. Alcohol had been my friend, my confidant and the coping mechanism I used to block out the outside from entering my head. For me the world had done me a mass injustice, it hampered everything that I did, it got in the way of any positive aspect of my life and generally wasn't my friend. Just when I thought I was getting back on my feet or when something good was about to happen, the universe would slap me back down to earth with a bump, that was how I perceived it anyway.

To have the mindset that "life" was deliberately plotting against me seems really out there, but that's how delusional my substance misuse had made me. 

I now have a better understanding of the inner workings of my mind, and in my early recovery I reflected on some of the significant events which had impacted me.

When I was 21 I lost my two eldest brothers within 9 months of each other due to addiction. I'd spent so long using this grief as a reason to drink that I'd almost forgotten it had happened. However, what I did identify was that the feelings and thoughts associated with their passing were a massive contributor to my addictive behaviour. In order to recover I knew that I personally needed a higher power in life, something that was bigger than me, something eternal and personal to me on a level that only I could understand. When I was in rehab and around 5 weeks sober a thought came to me out of the blue. Even though my brothers were dead I'd always felt that they were with me in spirit. It was then I decided to use them as my higher power. I decided to turn the one thing that had been the biggest negative in my life into the biggest positive. The feelings of grief lifted and I started to feel inner peace.

For me this was the turning point, I no longer felt alone and I knew that no matter what and wherever or whenever they are both with me, by my side. The universe no longer plots my demise into addiction and misery, it is the light which continues to show me the way out.


Do you have a story you'd like to share, or need support with your own recovery? Get in touch. 

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